odds and ends

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my dogs at the park
Hi. It's been so long since I've sat down to write. Not for a class, a scholarship, or an email, but for myself. I watched TikTok for four hours today, my brain is melted, and I have no desire to consume an
other drop of digital media. I normally don't have TikTok on my phone, but out of boredom, I downloaded it. The blank page is so intimidating, and to immortalize the thoughts darting across my head like paper airplanes is somewhat daunting. I don't like them to fly around for long up there either, hence their metaphorical nature as paper airplanes rather than a Boeing. 

college

I just finished my sophomore year of college. Saying that makes me want to throw up a little bit. Sometimes it feels like I'm just wasting time. I hate my major. I don't have a dream job, just a fear of failure. I suppose I'd be happiest going to a 9-5, doing menial yet relaxing computer tasks in an office, and going home to the one that I love. But of course, you can't say that in an internship interview. I also feel lonely, like I'm missing out. I don't have a big group of friends, with whom I go out every Thursday, Friday and Saturday, like I promised myself I would upon graduating high school.  I don't always like drinking.  I don't like big parties or loud music. I see old friends through digital cameras, new personas and newfound love for new people. I feel so alone at school sometimes, and although I know I'm not, I just feel so different. Just different enough from most people to feel like I always have my guard up. Different from my hometown; coming home feels like putting on a shoe just a half-size too small. Different from who I thought I was going to be in college. Different from who I was last year, and certainly the year before. Case in point, I don't use the Oxford comma anymore, unless necessary for clarity. But I think at the end of the day, these may all be good things. 

first days

Speaking of internships, is it possible to have a first day of a new job without sobbing so violently afterwards that your mascara ends up at your hairline? I had my first "day" of a new internship, and it just wasn't what I thought it was going to be. Frankly, i'm a little scared. I hope it gets better.  

acne 

Having acne as a young adult is so trivial yet so frustrating. It seems like everyone has perfect skin. I've struggled with acne for years, and just when I get it under control, I feel like something goes wrong. I think my breakouts could be due to a number of factors. I started using makeup brushes instead of my fingers, I have also started to use primer occasionally, I forgot my Cetaphil facewash at school, the water at home is different than at school (this is so frustrating for my hair too!), and I misplaced my acne-treatment pills. I want to not wear base makeup and embrace my splotchy skin, to have it clear up, but I sadly feel so unpolished without at least a little something on.

other notes

I got a baggu and decorated her, and I feel like a new woman. I'm free from the shackles of working at a bag store and being coerced into buying expensive shoulder bags. I think having a crossbody bag big enough to hold all of my stuff will surely change my life. 

truthfully, not sure what this summer holds (besides a new lorde album). I miss the ecstasy of elementary school, where you are genuinely excited about summer. Right now, the idea of summer  feels tender and uncertain. I feel the weight of my (self-imposed) expectations from others crushing me. Perhaps more on that later. But I also feel very grateful and incredibly happy and blessed to be alive, as always.

I think that's going to be all for now. There's a lot more I could say, given that it's been months since my last blog post, but I'll keep that bottled up for a little longer. I can't bear to write about myself anymore, and you probably can't bear to read another word about me either.

all my love 

amelia <3

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