Uber Tabula Rasa

I've attempted sitting down and writing my 2023 review many, many times. But every time I start to type, it turns into a horribly depressing slew of sad musings, grievances, anger, heartache, and at its very core—hurt. New Year's used to be my favorite holiday. Now, I hold down on the backspace because maybe I will try later to recall something happy.

It's unlike me to forget, and 2023 is no exception. I felt like this year I was holding on to a lot more. I had 2023 in my front pocket, and 2022 in the back pocket, 2005-2016 in my purse, 2016-2018 in coat... you get the picture. I was entirely weighed down by the past because in the face of present struggles it glowed with such endearment. 2023 was a year of change, so many changes. It turned me upside down, shook me silly, put me back down, and while I wasn't paying attention, kicked me in the stomach—or so it felt. And along with change comes comparison, which is the thief of joy, as Roosevelt said. He wasn't wrong.

But even through all these... things... there is always light somewhere. I got to see my two favorite artists of all time in concert: Taylor Swift and The 1975. This was a dream for me. If you know me, you know I've loved Taylor Swift for as long as I can remember. And The 1975? Few things come close to screaming "Robbers" with your best friend, boyfriend, call it what you want.

Speaking of friendships, many were lost. Things changed so quickly. Things I thought would last forever fell apart in a silent and stabbing way while I pretended not to care. But maybe this was a blessing in disguise because in my loneliness, I found a family that was there for me, one that always had been but I always took for granted. I also had my boyfriend (I wish there was a better way to say "boyfriend" because it's so cringe), who treated me like high royalty, and spending so much time together has been so, so fun. (That sounds so cringe, but again sometimes love just is cringey.)

We went to Naples, Florida, on a family vacation, and it was genuinely such a beautiful time. I miss it every day. The warmth, the sunshine, the dolphins, the ocean, the sunsets. Perhaps I look borderline albino, but I am Albanian at heart, and that warm tropical glow feels like home to me.

I feel like I'm obliged to say something about graduation. I did it, I cried about it, and now I couldn't care less. There's that.

I feel like I'm also obliged to say something about starting college. I hate it, it's my personal hell, it's isolating, but I'm trying my best. There were some good days, like Halloweekend, seeing Priscilla with new friends, or Jellycat hunting/coffee-shop hopping with Caeden. I'll give it that.

But now that it's 2024 officially, things have settled over. All my hurt is sooo last year; 2024 is uber-tabula-rasa.

I have some goals in mind for 2024, and I feel pretty optimistic about them. I want to be more active; I've started to take my health more seriously this past year, and I want to continue that into the new year.

I also want to learn more Albanian. Hopefully, I can go there this summer. We say that every summer, but this may actually be the year. I cannot show up to my hundreds of cousins and barely make a squeak. When people ask if I can speak it, I turn red, and say "pak." The Albanian word for small or little. The shame it carries for me is not pak.  I can, however, tell you to put your socks on, every term of endearment, my favorite Albanian foods, and a handful of greetings. If need be.

That got depressing fast, but I'm getting tired and I'm starting to write more and more wordy, unreadable nonsense. 2024, I hope you bring me the utmost peace and joy, and if not, I hope I learn something.

Thank you for sticking around this long into me rambling, if you did. That means a lot:) 

Happy New Year!!! <3<3<3<3<3

Amelia

<3