my first semester

My First Semester of College

As it comes to a close, I have a few things to say about it.

Simply put, it was not one of the best experiences of my life. It was a huge change, and nothing like I thought it would be. I cried almost every day. It felt like a miracle when I made it past a week without a tear shed. I was sad, I felt alone, and even just the sound of my parents' voice on the phone was often enough to move me to tears. I only go to school 45 minutes away from home, but I felt that was a challenge in its own way. Everything I know, everything I love is only 45 minutes away, but I'm also not there. It's like a dream where you want to scream but all that comes out is a squeak. Where you're running, but your legs are jello. I often have dreams where I can't move my fingers, and when I recall them later I can't distinguish if it was real or not. Maybe that one's just me.

A Grief of Sorts

A majority of my semester was spent grieving. Not the death of anyone specific, thankfully. But grieving everything up to this point in my life. I grieved high school, something I swore I would never do. In the face of new challenges all of my past ones looked oh so sweet. I grieved my girlhood, how I cannot play pretend or play Barbies in blissful ignorance of the outside world anymore. A part of me even grieved who I used to be. "I'll never change, but I'll never stay the same either," a quote from Taylor Swift says. This has stuck with me for many years. I find it especially poignant recently. This semester I've felt like a beige version of myself. I'm still me, but I haven't had an on-the-floor-rib-aching laugh in quite a while. I'm still me, but I haven't screamed Taylor Swift with the windows down, unashamed, in a very long time. I grieve old friendships and forgetting, my favorite songs, and anything that is not a part of today. It's a beautiful thing to remember, but also so incredibly crushing. Everything that used to paint my days and nights are now nothing more than electrical currents in my brain.

An Introverts Dilemma

And I have not gone out much at all. Once was enough for me, but on a college campus like Western in a town like Kalamazoo, there really isn't much else to do. It leaves me in this weird spot in the middle; it's somewhere between who I am and where everyone else seems to be. I want to feel like a normal college student, but I don't really find joy in normal college student behaviors. At least not right now. I hate my loud neighbors, and I hate how after a long, terrible week I can't even enjoy an hour of peace before I go to sleep. 

But It Hasn't All Been Bad. A good story must have conflict, no?

This Is a Bookstore

Caeden and I found an amazing little coffee shop, called "this is a bookstore." It's a bookstore/coffee shop with star garland and Christmas lights, and delightful lattes and hot chocolates. It's now an official part of our Sunday routine. Church, then to the coffee shop, where we work on homework, chat, eavesdrop, people watch, or just read on the velvet couches in the back. One tip though, do not get the food. No matter how hungry you are. Overpriced and incredibly mid, the buyer's remorse is not worth it. (:

Confidence

I've also felt more comfortable in my own skin. Of course, I still get anxious and insecure about how I look, and I don't think that's ever going to go away. But one year ago, I was too afraid to wear my Doc Martens just to school. I was SO scared I was going to be judged for black. boots. I know this because although I got them a year ago, they have been incredibly painful to break in. Haha. I also love taking care of my hair and experimenting with new ways to do it. The newest addition being the flat-iron bouncy blowout. It fries my ends like no tomorrow, but it is so cute and fun! Very Rachel Green meets Farah Fawcett. I like to make myself up and look pretty, but I know life goes on even when I don't. But then again, some days I cry when I can't get my cowlick to match the other side because it is just all too much, and that mantra goes out the window.

Making Friends

I'm meeting people and it's taking time. I told my sister that I have six friends, six people that I spend a lot of time with—but really they are equivalent to two friends. She understood it. That's why she will always be my best friend, forever and always.

It feels like I'm falling behind, like I've missed my chance to make my lifelong friends. Forecast for the future: alone forever. Social media does not help. You can't escape first-years and their new freshman friends, their new sisters for life, their girls, their loves, their babies. I watch my old friends like they're strangers, and I'm lost in thought again. Do you introduce them to my favorite song and soundtrack your new memories atop our favorite lyrics? Do they make you laugh the way we used to? Do they even know who I am? These are things Instagram does not answer, but in a way, I know.

Classes

My classes were okay. My advisor told me at orientation to drop one of my courses. I was at 17 credit hours, but he said that would be too much for me. So I did. Then at our check-in, I said my work load was manageable and he said that was because I was taking easy classes. What do you want from me?!?! I'm only a freshman, but my advice is to take everything your advisor says with a grain of salt.

I took Geology, Statistics, Foundations of Journalism, and German. I won't go in depth on my ratings and reviews of my courses. I already did that on Rate My Professor. Next semester I'm taking Community Engagement (what this means I don't know, it's just COM 1000), Intro to Media and Telecom, Human-Computer Interactions (I know, fancy! I'm considering this as a minor, but if I hate it my advisor will place it as an elective credit for my major. Rare advisor W), the next section of German, and an Honors English class. I can already feel myself drowning in the work.

Ending

It's been a complicated semester. There have been ups and downs, lots of hurt but also so much sunshine. I am so overwhelmed with gratitude all the time, and I think that helps heal the aches in my heart. I'm excited to see what next semester brings, but I'm not quite ready to let go of 2023 yet.

Thanks for sticking around this long. It means a lot :)

Love,

Amelia <3<3<3